Dear Tatiana,
My 8-year old daughter is petrified of storms. If there is even a cloud in the sky, her demeanor changes and she starts to worry that it may storm which takes her away from enjoying the day. If it ends up storming, whatever we are doing is ruined because of her panic and distress. We have tried to handle this in many different ways and nothing seems to be working. Please help!
Signed,
Concerned Mom
Dear Concerned Mom,
Your story is common and parents typically want to respond in one of two ways to these sorts of scenarios. They minimize the child’s fear and dismiss the worry as “silly” or they become angry with the child because they can’t control their child’s response to the anxiety-provoking trigger. Neither response is effective.
The reality is that due to our chemical makeup, we cannot control the production of emotion. We can however decide how we respond to it. Emotions are a vital part of our existence. Emotions motivate us, provide us insight and guide us. They only become problematic when we respond to them in a way that will be harmful instead of helpful. Your daughter’s brain has been tricked into believing that when she sees clouds, it needs to go into fight, flee or freeze mode. The only way to overcome that is for her to approach what makes her afraid. This is called systematic desensitization.
She needs to hear you say that you know she is really scared, that every bit of her body feels it and that it is very uncomfortable and you are sorry she is experiencing this. Assist her in identifying healthy ways to self-soothe while she is tolerating the distressing emotion (deep breathing, positive self-talk, singing along with a fantastic song on the radio or getting a great big hug from mom are some of many options.) Remind her that her brain has tricked her body into believing clouds mean danger and that the only way to reduce her fear is to approach what makes her afraid until it is not so scary. Ask her what that may look like for her and what she’s willing to do. (Here are some examples. Set a timer and try and stay outside at least five minutes longer than you want to. Walk outside with someone you trust while it’s raining. Increase the time each time. Watch the storm from your bedroom window instead of pretending it’s not happening. Study the Science behind storms.) Let her know that just like exercising can sometimes be hard, but it makes us stronger, facing our fears can be hard, but it helps us overcome them.
If despite your best efforts, there is not a reduction in her emotional response to storms, you will need to seek counseling with a professional who specializes in working with children and anxiety disorders. Medication may also be necessary to “re-charge” the brain, getting it firing and receiving like it is supposed to, similar to a car battery. Remember, early intervention prevents other co-occurring issues from developing secondarily from an un-treated anxiety disorder.
Best,
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Contact:
Tatiana Matthews, LPC
tatiana@theahaconnection.com
