Dear Tatiana,
Our college age nephew recently took his own life. My much younger children loved spending time with him. He was academically and athletically gifted and a very pleasant person. I want to be honest with the kids, but this is so tragic should we take them to the funeral?
-Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Take them. We teach kids all about life, but we fail to teach them about death. Make sure you have a plan established that includes considering their attention spans and ability to emotionally regulate in high emotion situations. Expose them to what they can tolerate and have an exit plan when it gets to be too much. Make sure you communicate clearly to them before hand about what they can expect and anticipate. If you have a spiritual or religious belief system, integrate it in to the moment.
In regards to the manner of death, I would limit the details. That may sound something like this “your cousins brain stopped working like it was supposed to. It made him feel very sad all the time and tricked him into believing that life was too hard to live.” Answer any specific questions they may ask in response to that. Provide it in an age-appropriate minimalist manner. Questions regarding his passing will probably evolve as your children age. Ultimately you will provide more information. They should understand the genetic link with mental illness and should be encouraged to be mindful of their own emotions moving forward and be committed to share with you if they ever have thoughts of self-harm.
I am so sorry for your loss. May your nephew’s Memory Be Eternal!
Best,
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