Hi Tatiana,
I’m struggling with a situation with my parents. My dad is a really nice guy in most regards, but for some reason has always thought (at least as long as I can remember) it’s okay to be rude, sarcastic, etc. to my mom (and to me as a teen). It created terrible friction in our house growing up. I don’t have to deal with it as much now (and am generally no longer a target), but hate having to hear him treat my mom this way. My kids are teens now and really notice and are upset by his behavior. It’s not constant, but if we are together with them we will definitely hear it at least once. It also happens in public–most recently at one of my children’s sports events. His voice is one that really carries, so while he’s not trying to be loud, everyone can hear him say to my mom in a nasty voice, “I’ve already told you I’m fine and want to sit in the sun. Don’t make me tell you again. Just go sit in the shade, for Pete’s sake!” His loud voice really distracted my child at recent event–he’s determined to sit as close to the action as he can. He will act like a petulant child if we try to tell him that he needs to move back (or anytime he doesn’t get his way)–and doesn’t notice if he makes a scene. He seems to behave nicely to everyone else and has friends he golfs with, etc.
My mom says that she knows he doesn’t mean it the way it comes out and that she truly doesn’t care. She’s a “don’t sweat the small stuff/choose your battles” kind of person (his behavior is not “small,” but that’s how she chooses to see it). I cannot imagine my husband speaking to me this way and certainly wouldn’t tolerate our daughter dating a boy who spoke to her that way. I’ve had conversations with my kids along the lines of Grandmother has chosen to ignore Grandfather’s behavior and that is her choice. Grandfather is a nice person, who doesn’t realize how mean he sounds, but his behavior is not acceptable or appropriate–at all. I should add that we are pretty sure my dad has Asperger’s. It runs in the family and he fits the symptoms. He clearly is oblivious to the discomfort everyone else shows when he speaks so rudely.
I’ve worked hard to have a positive relationship with my dad and recognize that at xx years old he will not change. I can’t see that confronting him will accomplish anything. My mom has made her decision to ignore it (as she puts it), so I don’t think it’s fair to further burden her with the fact that his behavior causes my kids, my husband, and me to want to avoid my dad/not have him at public events around our friends. So…I really don’t know what to do. The kids love my parents, but don’t want to be around my dad much at this point. The sports issue is a pressing problem right now, but being together with them in private is rough too. One child, in particular, is getting more and more angry about the situation and expects me to do something about it.
Help please!
Thank you so much for offering this service. I think many of us are struggling with issues that need an impartial, profession view.
Dear Help Please,
I agree with you. Your dad’s behavior sounds unacceptable. Based on his lack of awareness and the family history of Autism, he may have an Autism Spectrum Disorder. I also agree with you that at xx years old, he is unlikely to develop the empathy for others or social awareness you are hoping for. I like how you are using teachable moments as they arise to instruct the children on his behavior being inappropriate, without getting into a power struggle with your father. If he’s truly on the spectrum, you can’t win an argument with the identified patient anyways. It’s ineffective and can trigger more emotional dysregulation. Your mom has made some decisions about how she is going to navigate life with your dad. Her decisions don’t have to be your decisions. If having your father at games or in other public forums brings you feelings of anxiety and shame, I highly recommend leaving him off the invite list for a while. If he and mom are a package deal, you will have to forego her invitation as well. If they inquire why they’ve been excluded, I would keep your response short and simple. It may sound something like this. “Dad can be really loud and speak angrily when he is frustrated at the kids’ games. It is really stressful and embarrassing. We love you both, but he can’t come back to their games until he is able to manage his tone and interactions with all of us.” Because your relationship with him is something you value, I recommend scheduling alternative visits that are less frequent, shorter in duration and structured around a specific activity like eating dinner together with a specific start and stop time. Setting boundaries with people you love is not a bad thing. Those boundaries not only keep us from being hurt, but they also help us contain our energy, so we can be more patient and offer more grace.
Best,
Do you have a question for Tatiana? Learn more about her weekly Aha! Advice column here.
Contact:
Tatiana Matthews LPC
tatiana@theahaconnection.com
