Hi Tatiana,
Where to start??? My son was probably 5 or so when he stopped sleeping in his own room, own bed. He was waking every night several times scared to go back to sleep. He had a bad dream about a monster or something. To get through and save our sanity we moved him into our other son’s room. We moved his whole bed so they were sleeping separate but in the same room and it worked great. They both loved it. A couple years ago, he started waking again saying he was hot, stomach hurt, etc. Long story short, it came out that he’s scared of the closet in their room. They would sometimes sleep in the guest room together when it was really cold and that has now turned into a regular thing for the past year or so. Now, when we travel, he’s having issues with the rooms and closets. Sometimes he’s scared, sometimes not. Just the other night at my in-laws, I slept with him and he was still scared. He said it just didn’t feel right.
We really need to move the boys back into their own beds at least in their room, but he’s so nervous I can see it. The only “event” I can see triggering anything is my father’s death 3 years ago. It was sudden and heartbreaking and my 9 year old never got to say goodbye because he was sick when my dad was hospitalized. My father-in-law now has dementia/Alzheimer’s and we’ve had to talk to the boys because they’ve noticed the changes. We also lost my grandfather who was 95 last summer, but to him, that’s another grandparent lost. I know he’s scared of losing my father in law because he did get very upset when we were talking about his memory/brain illness. Could he be scared of death and it’s manifesting in the sleeping issues?
Sorry so long….
One tired mama 🙂
Dear Tired Mama,
I wish I had a magic bullet to provide, but sleep issues are tough and can be triggered by a number of reasons. Typically, anxiety is at the root of many of them. Your observations are appropriate and reasonable. The many losses and changes in his family may be a cause for his sleep impairment. It’s also possible that there could be alternative outside stressors or trauma that have not been identified. Always keep the lines of communication and your mind open to the possibilities. I like parents ending the day asking children “is there anything heavy on your heart or mind you’d like to talk about before you go to bed? Are there any challenges or problems that you need helps solving or support with?” Processing “worry thoughts” or even journaling about them before bed allows one to get them out of their head, out into the open or down on paper.
Your son may also benefit by you defining some specific goals that are progressively working towards the desired end result, but offering some choice in how to get there. That may sound like this “everyone must start the night in their bed. We can keep your bed in your brother’s room or move it back to your old room. What would you like to do?” Options provide empowerment and decreases the likelihood of magnifying anxiety that may cause him to “lock in.” Try starting them in their beds for a week then add a time frame that they have to spend in them as an addendum the following week. Let them pick the time. Keep pushing the time back and provide rewards for meeting the goals on a weekly basis. Ideally we push back until we reach wake-up time. You’re going to have to be consistent and tolerate the distress you may experience from re-directing them back to their beds over and over again until you meet the times you specified as goals. If things don’t improve, a skilled counselor can be a great help in navigating this course and an accountability partner.
Best,
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Contact:
Tatiana Matthews, LPC
tatiana@theahaconnection.com
