Tatiana Answers: How to talk money with a spouse who doesn't want to discuss.

Dear Tatiana,

How do you handle talking about money and your future with money if your spouse never likes to talk about it. He says we are on the same page, but our financial strain tells differently. I want to be able to have a meaningful conversation and I get nowhere.

Thanks,

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

When you observe male animals in the wild, they have a natural instinct to protect. When you observe female animals in the wild, they have a natural instinct to communicate when danger is present, often times with loud screeches.The importance of recognizing the natural instinct of animals is because humans function in a very similar way. (There is a fantastic book that talks all about the neuroscience behind those behaviors called “How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It” by Patricia Love, Ed.D and Steven Stosny, Ph.D.)

A man’s natural instinct is to protect his family. In modern times that equates to financial stability. If he is not feeling successful in that area as a family, it threatens him on a primal level, hence the “flight response” and avoidance of wanting to discuss this topic. (Let me be clear that today both men and women can contribute to the financial stability of the family by either working full time, part-time or staying home with the kids part-time or full time. These gender roles are more fluid than days before.)

In turn, your natural instinct is to communicate the sense of danger you are experiencing with financial instability. Unfortunately, instead of alerting him and causing him to respond, it’s increasing your husband’s sense of anxiety and promoting him to avoid the topic.

In order to successfully broach the topic, I want to encourage you to select your topics of discussion based on imminent need. You are going to have to develop some distress tolerance and sit with some of your worries about the future. If you overload him, he is going to shut down. Be non-judgemental, stick to the facts, use a minimal amount of words and be mindful of maintaining respect. Men feel love through respect. (Another super book that talks all about that topic is “Love and Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. It’s biblically based, but the nuts and bolts of the content are applicable to anyone of any spiritual or non-spiritual belief system.) An example of what this sounds like may be, “I’d like to talk with you about our increasing credit card debt. Our spending is exceeding our income every month. I’d like to partner with you on creating a plan for addressing it. When we don’t talk about things like this, I become really afraid about the future. I love you and I know we can do this together. What do you think the best way to do that would be?

Just remember, real marriages are made during the tough times. Be grateful for life’s challenges, even when it’s difficult to do so. They offer the opportunity for us to grow strong as individuals and as partners.

Best,

Tatiana Matthews LPC

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